Thursday, May 30, 2013

Life is messy. Kinda like my hair.

And my closet.
I kinda like it that way.  It’s taken me half my damn life to feel that way.  I used to invent flaws so I would have something else to berate myself about.  Loathing who I was on the inside and outside was a full time job.
I was obsessed with changing myself – at my very core.  Not just my hair or my weight or my clothing – but internally – I wanted to change who God Himself had set me out to be. 
Who the hell was I to tell God that He screwed up?
I mean essentially that’s what I was saying.  That the person He had made was worthless.  I treated myself worse than I’d treat Satan.  What a slap in the face to the Creator, huh?
I just couldn’t find a way to accept the definition of me.  I looked in the mirror and only saw flaws.  In fact, for a long time…I avoided mirrors.  The reflection looking back was too painful to acknowledge.
Hating everything about yourself is like living in a nightmare.  It is exhausting. 
 And shameful.
Yet it’s so human nature to judge – ourselves and others. 
Women are the worst with each other in my opinion.  If I see a woman at work who has no problem tooting her own horn or being aggressive to get what she wants – do you think I go find the highest mountain and yell YOU GO GIRL for her?
Nope.  I usually shake my head and tell myself, “Geez, she’s an arrogant bitch who thinks this place can’t run without her.  She needs to take it down a notch.”  We are each other’s worst enemies and our own worst critics.  Where did that come from? 
I don’t know. 
What I do know is that with age has come great insight into the person I am. 
And with that – finally?  Acceptance.
Little stuff like sure, I’d love to lose 15 more pounds by the time summer rolls around but if I don’t – meh.  Oh well.  I’ll still go to bed every night next to a man that makes me feel like a model.  And I believe that is truly how he sees me.
I spent years telling Rambo he didn’t love me.  When he’d say I was beautiful or sexy, I’d say something like “are you blind?” or “no, I’m not” or “you’re crazy”.  I’m surprised he still says anything after years of that.  I never believed him.  Ever.  I just couldn’t.  I still have a hard time believing that he won’t wake up one day and realize he made the biggest mistake of his life with me….but I’m getting there.
I believe he means what he says.
I believe that he loves me despite my stupid flaws.  Like how in the 23 years we’ve been together, I have never ever changed the toilet paper roll.  I’ll get a new one and set it on the back of the toilet – but I won’t put it on the thingy.  No reason.  It’s just a thing.  A flaw.
It used to kill me to know or feel like anyone didn’t like me or love me…and now I can live with that. 
Hell – I spent years not liking myself…how can I tell other people not to do the same?  LOL 
I’ve found out that people can despise me and hate me and the thing is – I’ll keep breathing.  I won’t die.  I won’t even crumble or fall to my knees.  I will survive.  I’d love everyone to love me BUT that only happens in Care Bear Land.
I make mistakes.  Big ones. 
I lose people I swore I’d love forever.  I lose touch.  I hold on to grudges and anger that have spanned decades.  I use words like “never” and “always” and I mean them – until I don’t.  Until I grow up and get older and realize that I was foolish.
I used to live on pride and now I spend most of my time swallowing it because I’ve figured out it’s not worth losing people over.
I say and do things I never used to say or do out of fear of losing people or things…because I’ve finally learned that I can’t live my life in fear. …and losing people and things is the cycle of life.
I’ve learned to let go of things that don’t matter like words spoken in anger or hateful actions done in the heat of the moment – and learned to hold on tighter to things that do matter….like my little girl’s tiny hands.
I’ve realized that my pain about my childhood will probably never go away -  but I don’t have to live in it or use it as an excuse as an adult.  It sure as hell may be my biggest flaw that I can’t let go of some of that pain but it’s also one of my biggest strengths in that I break cycles every f*cking day because of those memories.
I think I’ll always fear never being good enough but as I get older I get less afraid of that fear.  The truth is that my heart is good and my intentions are true.  Hell yes – I have bad days and say bad things and I hurt people.  And hell yes – I regret all of those things.  I don’t believe people when they say they have no regrets.  Bullshit.  If someone gave me the chance to redo some wrongs I’ve done – I sure as hell would.
Entering politics in a small town has been good for me.  It’s flat out in your face truth that people don’t like you – for absolutely no reason – and that’s a helluva lesson to learn and live with….and accept….and most of all not die trying to change all those people’s minds.  I have to go to bed at night knowing I have done the right thing as I know it and just trust.
I do the best I can with what I have every single day. 
Sometimes I suck balls at it and other times I kick ass.
But every day I’m still me.  I’m just living and being me.  Freely. 
I used to feel like my own life was a prison.  I wanted out.  I wanted to literally be someone else.  It’s a terrible, exhausting way to live and real, pure joy is hard to come by….because every single moment is spent finding fault in your own every move.
It’s so freeing to be getting past that.  It’s nice to know that when I change now – it’s to be a better, more true version of me where before my goal was to be a completely different me.
This is who I am.  I am perfectly flawed.  I am changing every day.  I am living and conquering and I’m forgiving and apologizing and celebrating.  I am covered in scars – mentally and physically – and every one feels like an honor now instead of a disfigurement.
My eyes are more wide open than they’ve probably ever been and my heart actually feels peace a lot of the time.
That’s something I never imagined I’d have.  First of all, I never thought I’d live this long because I never thought I deserved to….but peace?
Real, true, internal peace?  Me?
Who would have thought?
How about you?  Do you feel real peace? 
As you get older…does your entire outlook on who you are and your life change? 
 In what ways?


Sarah Kopf said...

It's like you just wrote my life story.... You're amazing. TRULY! Love who you are, lady!


Rachel said...

You are so wise and you write so well. It is a joy to read your blog! Thank you so much for sharing!

Tara Cartledge said...

I've really started to feel a since of peace since my divorce was final this past January. Don't get me wrong, stress is still there due to finances. I never planned to be the main provider--much less mommy/daddy. (My ex lives in California and I live in Alabama). So it's all on me!! But I have come to realize that somehow, by the end of the month, it's all worked out. I'm raising the most awesome man and I'm honored to be part of his lfe!! Now I'm never going to find a boyfriend that dates me for my money--lol... But I will find one that likes the new and improved Tara....
So yes, I have found some peace...

Mon said...

Beautifully said, as always!

Yes, my self-outlook continues to change and evolve as I get older, develop more perspective, and gain insight into the WHY for a lot of things that have happened, decisions I've made, etc. I think it always will!

Laura Belle said...

I love you.
That is all.

Connie O said...

I loved this post and found it very inspirational. I think you could find a wider audience as a writer if you ever want to.

I'd say I'm still looking for that kind of peace, but I'm glad to know that it's possible to find it.

Loving Life by Leesa said...

Thank you for your blog, but this post specifically. I have to agree, I think once I hit 40 my brain hit nearly the same cycle you mention in this post and ever since then, I've been more at peace with myself than ever before in my life.

Love your blog, your sense of humor is awesome!

Laura Runs a Latte said...

Yes (like Sarah said too), it's like you put my life into words. Weird how so many of us are so similar, huh?

hokie30sgirl said...

Such a good post!

Cat said...

Another post where you could have been taking the words from my own life. I love how your personal experience touches each of us. You are a gifted writer. I feel such peace having read this. As I think you know, I have always cared far too much if others liked me...and even went so far as to push away people that truly liked me in an effort to win the approval of those who didn't. Thanks for writing this. It's given me more to think about. /heart u

Didi Paul said...

I spent way too many years fighting against what God made me too. And it is just like you say- it's a slap in the face to the creator. We create our own personal hell by denying our true selves, and trying to force ourselves to be something we aren't. It's so brutal.
I'm glad that you have moved through all the self rejection, and become such a balanced person. I love reading your blog! It makes me feel like I CAN smooth out all my kinks and settle into a balanced life too. (still working on it)