Thursday, May 2, 2013

Naked for strangers. Twice in one damn day!

1 day out of 365 days a year – I hate having a vagina and booblets.

It never gets UN-awkward to talk about my kids and my doctor’s kids as she feels me up and we both try to ignore the big nipple staring at us both. Ugh.

And listen – we all know that I’m an anxiety-ridden freak. You have NO idea how many excuses or times I *almost* called to reschedule.

And why on Earth are the gowns so damn ugly? I am 100% certain that a man made those suckers. I mean who else would design a gown that falls off your shoulder every 5 seconds to expose your boobs and oh by the way – your entire ass is hanging out too. I’m surprised there’s not a big circle cut out of the front middle to expose the vagizzle. Jesus.

You can’t tie the gown at the top so it stays on because – duh – it has to come off for the breasticle exam. So naturally (again by man’s design) it is 16x too big so it keeps falling off my shoulders. I honestly don’t know how to keep a conversation going when every five minutes my entire left tit just comes out to play.
So f*cking reedick.

So we chat before we get down to “bidness”. And every moment that goes by – I get more nervous and sweat more. Of course, I’m sitting on one of those paper thin table covers that soaks up sweat like a damn sponge.

They also tear easy. And when wet they stick to my naked ass.

I want to cry. A river.

I kid you not – for the rest of the day when I went pee – I found scraps of that table cover randomly in my pants or underwear. Parts that stuck to me as I got re-dressed that I didn’t know about. My God.

My blood pressure was through the roof. You think?

After she was done, she got up and said, “Everything looks very good in there.”

Do you know what I said to that?
I said, “Thanks.”
WTF? Like I totally have control over the fact that my ovaries and inner parts look good.

I worked hard on those Doc. Thanks for noticing. I wish you could see my intestines too.
Then you’d really be impressed.

UGH. The whole damn thing sucks. A fat baby’s ass.

Wanna know what’s worse than the annual probing appointment? Having an appointment immediately after where you have to get naked AGAIN.

I have tons of moles – courtesy of my father – and I have them checked for cancer once a year. Which requires undressing. Again. With pieces of paper stuck to my ass that I was unaware of.

“Any suspicious moles on my ass, Doc?”

“Nope – just these damp wads of paper.”

I want to die later when I realize this.

The whole day was like having lunch with Casey Anthony and having to pay for it.

However, today was much better.

Get this Skittles! Today I weighed in (I weigh every day but only document it on Tuesdays) and I’m at my goal of being 17 lbs down! Whoop!

I had a STELLAR day of eating and I’m actually having a hard time getting calories in. I’m listening to my body and when I’m hungry I eat but I’m only getting hungry about 2 times a day and each of those meals is 400 calories or less.

I know that every diet and nutrition freak out there would flip a bird at the thought of 800 calories a day BUT I am not hungry. << Yes – I know how ridiculous this sounds. I can’t believe I’m saying it.

I am drinking shitloads of water and haven’t really had sugar except for my ½ can of Mt. Dew a day.

Last night Rambo and I walked 3.5 miles around town and I burned 453 calories so that means yesterday I had about 400 calories. That’s insane. There’s food everywhere in my house (for my girls) and I just don’t even care. The L-Glutamine supplement I’m taking stops my cravings and it’s freaking me out.

This isn’t really me. I’m an over-eater. A sugarholic. A white knuckle dieter.

It’s not my plan to eat 400 calories a day and I think yesterday I was swamped at work and when that happens I never feel hungry because I’m not bored. I’m not denying myself anything. When I’m hungry I eat exactly what I’m craving. I’m expecting that today I’ll be more hungry from the deficit yesterday and I will most certainly eat whenever I’m hungry and follow the hunger level rules and the 10-5-10 rule too.

I watched another video from the weight loss program from work last night too and found out some more interesting things about why we eat when we’re not hungry and feelings and such. I learned how to make a vital needs wheel and chart it and relate that to over-eating or weight loss. I have yet to define my 7 vital needs and hope to do that this weekend.

I find this whole thing odd. I’ve been around the block a time or two in my life regarding dieting. I’ve gained weight and lost 70 lbs. I’ve had a tummy tuck after the loss. I’ve read tons of workout and diet books. Been a five-mile-a-day runner. Gained and lost. Not cared and cared too much. Tracked things incessantly.

Still – I have to admit that I’m learning new things on this program and they speak to me about being correct. They feel natural. It makes me understand why a lot of my co-workers rave about this program and have lost weight and most importantly – they have KEPT IT OFF.

It’s all very intriguing and I’m loving it!

Can't wait to share more soon!


Shell Baker said...

I got some l-glutamine after reading up on it when you mentioned it. I got some chromium for good measure. It's doing something, I haven't completely lost the sugar cravings but I have been able to resist them.
Hope you have a examination induced nakedness free day.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

My dr's office has us wear the gown with the opening in the front, like a robe. Then for the breast exam they only expose one at a time, and your ass is never hanging out. At the radiologist, they have cloth robes for your mammo!

Rachel said...

So glad you're learning new things... hope the mole doc didn't find anything to worry about!

Laura Runs a Latte said...

I despise the doctor for the same reason. I have horrible body issues and I don't even go around naked at home :(

jennxaz said...

I feel like the bears in those charmin commercials using the cheap toilet paper...little bits of paper all over my budonk a donk!

Chris P said...

Man I hate the crotch doctor. BLAH! SO not fun! And you're right! It never gets not uncomfortable! Glad you made it out alive!

Sarah Kopf said...

God I hate the va jay jay prober....Seriously, I'd rather be strapped to sticks of dynamite and set on fire in a Starbucks. Naked.

Gross. Get your fingers out of my...everything.

Way to rock your weightloss girl! Love you!


RockBand Barbie said...

I would much rather have a man in my vagina than in my mouth. Get your mind out of the gutter...I'm talking about a gyno rather than a dentist :) Ha ha ha...I crack myself up.

FitBy40 said...

Ugh, for the first time EVER, I finally have a female doc. That saves me a lot of anxiety. Not to mention, she's sort of old and matronly, so I'm not so self conscious.
Glad you're all checked out!
Great job on the new eating plan.
You rock!

Kelly said...

Cant wait to hear about it!

Fit Mom said...

Bah!! Dont do that! I was just reading and drinking my coffee when I got to the "you should see my intestines" comment and about shot hot coffee up thru my nose. You need a disclaimer on this shit sometimes. Love you lots skittles and you are doing great!!!

Connie O said...

Two in one day sucks ... but at least you got it all over with at once! Maybe the stress helped you reach that 17-pound mark. Congratulations on being right on track!

Didi Paul said...

Ug. I hate when they comment because my blood pressure is so high after sticking foreign objects into my va-gine, and grasping at my ta ta's. I'm like, "Of course it's high. I may enjoy sex, but I don't want strangers hands groping around my naughty bits while I'm wearing an ill fitting disposable gown and sitting on a thin sheet of paper."
Of course it is high! You twirl around in a brightly lit room while being groped with your butt hanging out and then we'll take your blood pressure. Le sigh.

What is the name of the program that you are doing? It seems to be working out so well for you!