Thursday, August 29, 2013

Ten Things Thursday!

1-My heart is heavy today….along with about 999 other people in Podunk.  Last night a couple that is very well known in our community was killed in a cycle accident.  They have 5 kids and oodles of grandkids.  When you live in a small town like this – everyone knows everyone and everyone hurts when a tragedy occurs.  These people were known by everyone and they were amazing.  The town is in shock and our hearts are broken.  Life just doesn’t make sense sometimes.
2-Today is Day 13 with no migraines.  If I wasn’t so sad about what I typed in number 1 – I might fart gumdrops in neon colors.  I feel human again.  Not only do I not have migraines but I’m off all other meds which knocked my ass out every day and made me gain weight. 

3-Because I feel like a person again, I have worked out every day this week and am eating at or near 1200 calories.  I feel pretty amazing.  It’s almost too good to be true.
4-Rambo and I have been presented with a unique business opportunity that is pretty exciting and pretty freaking scary.  Remember me?  I’m the girl who has never been on a ferris wheel or a rollercoaster.  Never flown.  Never been down a water slide.  And the list goes on and on.  I’m a big ‘ol paranoid scared freak who never takes risks.  This is a risk – a good one with amazing potential but it’s life-changing…and that just isn’t in my vocabulary.  I’m boring…and changing my solid foundation makes me do the ugly cry and have seizures. 
5-Someone I love very, very much is coming home this weekend and I couldn’t be more excited.  After the tragedy that happened last night – the only thing I want to do is be around family.

6-I ran laps with my daughter last night even though it was 95 degrees out and it felt AMAZEBALLS.  Everything in me wants to be a runner again…but it wasn’t possible with so many migraines a month.  Dare I hope it might be possible now?
7-There is a stray kitty outside on our deck.  She is SKUH-INNY.  I felt bad for her so I put out some leftover Chinese we had.  She inhaled it.  Rambo was not a fan of my shenanigans and just shook his head at me and told me I was crazy and that under no circumstances was the stray to be in the house. 
Um – then I figured out that she has three baby kitties.  No wonder she’s so skinny.  And it’s 100 degrees outside.  The next thing I know when I go outside the next night is that there are 5 hot dogs on the ground for her to eat.  Hmmm.  Funny how that happens, isn’t it?  Rambo is a freaking squishy, goo-ey teddy bear on the inside.  When I asked him how those hot dogs got out there he just said, “She’s got babies.  She needs meat.”  Yah – so she does softie.  Guess what he’s doing today after work?  Yup.  Buying cat food.  Shocker.  lol

8-I have at least 7 pairs of skinny jeans in all kinds of colors – coral, pink, lemon yellow, mint green, black, white, etc. etc…..but this week I finally caved and bought a pair of floral skinnies.  They are black mostly with muted flowers in gray and rust colors.  I wore them with an off-white hi-low shirt that is all plain except for faux leather on the shoulders and 5 inch heels.  What I’m trying to say is that I feel very hooker-ish today.  Put on my mirrored sunglasses with crystals around the rims and I’m pretty much an uglier version of Julia Roberts minus the wig. 
9-A girl at work wore Eternity perfume by Calvin Klein this week and now I am obsessed with the fragrance.  By the end of the week – I shall own my own bottle.  It cannot be avoided.

10-I spent the entire day at work yesterday making my planner pages for 2014.  Highlighting birthdays and putting holiday stickers on each month and marking meetings and such seriously make me feel like I’m high on meth (well – I assume that’s what it feels like).  Yes, I know it’s slightly totally anal that I have my planner and budget all the way out to the end of 2014 but it’s the Accountant in me.  Just deal with it, mkay?

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Ten Things Thursday!

1-Guess what today is, my little Skittles?  It is DAY 6….OF NO MIGRAINES!  Holy shit in a bucket with a cherry on top.  Probably even whip cream and peanuts too.  Can the Botox really be working?  OMG – I can’t even think about it too much without wanting to do the ugly cry…but I shall control myself.
2-I’m going to a Norwex party tomorrow night.  It’s the latest, greatest home sales business I guess.  Cleaning supplies that rock your world or so I’ve heard.  Ever heard of them?

3-We took the girls school supply shopping and I learned two things.  One is that I’d rather have lunch with Satan AND have to pay for it than school supply shop.  And two…it is nearly impossible to be around that many adorable Hello Kitty folders and notebooks and pens without buying some for myself.  I’m sure it didn’t help that we took two extra kids with us on our excursion but my God – I wanted to shank every person within eye range before we were done.
4-Watermelon starts volleyball soon.  I’m a huge supporter of school sports but for just one moment I’d like to complain and say that she has practice or a game EVERY SINGLE week night.  Jesus balls.  That’s a lot.  Might make the whole “Andy Griffith says you should have a family supper every night” thing a little tough to pull off.  Especially since all my fave TV shows will be coming back on soon too.  Duh.

5-Our school now has cameras in every crevice of the building and the doors are locked down every day too.  No more walking in to pick up or drop off your kid.  Welcome to 2013 and the age of needing to go to extremes to keep your kids safe.  Sad, but necessary…as we’ve all seen.
6-Did I tell you that I found the motorcycle that I want?  OMG.  It’s my all time favorite color (mint green/teal-ish) with black and crème accents AND????  A side car for my little Banana to ride with me.  Too bad it’s in Massachusetts.  Womp womp.  Rambo says he’ll go and get it if I go get my license like yesterday.  He’s a poopyhead.

7-Speaking of the poopyhead.  He had Tuesday off and he texted me and said, “I’m sitting on the swing on the deck enjoying the sunshine and I miss you.  I’m wishing you were here with me.”  That was 10am.  And it was evil.  Who says that when the other person is working???  So I left work and took the rest of the day off.  Life is short.  I’ll never regret spontaneous days off like that.  Not ever.
8-I got a new tattoo not even 2 months ago and my mind is wandering in the direction of “what should I get next?” already.  Shitballs.  I must stop.  We take turns and it’s Rambo’s turn next.  I have sworn that I am not getting ANY new tattoos until the ones I have are exactly how I want them.  Like I want more detail added to one and ivy/vines adding to another, etc. 

9-When we took Watermelon and her friend school shopping – they both wanted to buy shorts to wear to vball practice.  Ok fine.  Mind you – they are both currently wearing jean shorts rolled up to their vaginas and butt cheeks…short enough that Rambo commented and said, “those are getting burned when we get home.” 
However, we shop for athletic shorts and I kid you not – my skinny little girl and her skinny little friend go to the MEN’S section and buy medium MEN’S shorts soley because if they buy that size then the shorts are nearly to their ankles.  Anything shorter than that is unacceptable.  Wait.  What?  You’re currently wearing Daisy Dukes and we are currently shopping for shorts that could pass as capris.  JESUS.  Shoot me now.  In the foot.  With an AK-47.  Shanking would not be painful enough.
10-Our neighbor who is only 24 was complaining to Rambo about how tired he was because he had to work 2 hours of overtime.  I think Rambo nearly put him in a headlock.  Prior to this last day off Rambo came off a stretch of working 42 days straight – many of which were 12 to 16 hour days with very little sleep.  Complaining about two hours of OT when you’re 24 doesn’t really go over too well with Rambo. 
By the way – neither does wanting to see his wife’s tatas.  A couple guys Rambo works with have been joking about my boobs amidst a dumb guy conversation (they were drunk) but now days later they keep bringing it up.  Rambo told me last night he’s had enough.  He said he’s going to tell each of them no more talking about his wife’s boobs.  Period.  I guess it’s nice to know he can still get jealous after 23 years, however, I flashed back to high school when Rambo beat a guy silly for something he said to me.  Yuck.  Ah, men.  Then again – I get it.  I’d feel the same way if the tables were turned, you know?

Have a good day, gumdrops!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

What’s the only thing worse than not getting a raise when you ask for it?

Getting the raise and being told by every single board member and the plant manager that had I asked for literally double – they’d have given it to me.  That’s just f*cking cruel. 

This is how it goes down.  I give the guys a handout showing the amount I’m asking for.  When it comes time for that part of the meeting – I leave.  I do NOT want to be there when they discuss it in case they want to say something that they wouldn’t if I were there.  Besides - if I stayed - I'd be covered in hives and let's face it - that'd just be embarrassing.
Then I wait.  Until Rambo gets home and tells me what happened.

He came home literally only 10 minutes after me.  He said it took seconds and they made a motion to approve.  They said it was a “no-brainer”.  My plant manager gave a reference from a very respected engineer for me.  Blah blah blah.
Motion approved.  Rambo abstains from voting.  I always wonder how it makes him feel to sit in a room and have a bunch of men talk about his wife and her pay.  Ha!  At least it’s been good talk so far.

Then the phone calls from the guys come.
“Why didn’t you ask for more?”

“We would have given you double without even blinking.”
And on and on.  I grabbed a fork and shanked myself.  I told Rambo that all the fun of getting a raise is gone knowing that I could have gotten double.  Ha!

I’ll get over it.  Next time though – I’m soooo aiming higher even when my brain keeps telling me that I’m already asking for a shitload.  I have to get over asking for what I’m worth.  I need to see my work for what it’s worth like the others do.  I need to stop being afraid of appearing greedy.
To me, I love the job and it’s super easy and fun so asking for a big raise seems wrong somehow.  To be told that I should have asked for an even bigger one….well…that makes me want to shank myself like I said before.  Twice actually.  In the eyes.

Live and learn right?  Live and learn.
Now excuse me.  I have some purse and shoe shopping to do.

I mean come on - what do you think I asked for a raise for anyway?

Monday, August 19, 2013

Keep calm and take a Skittle bath.

Eeesh.  My life is boring.
I’ve been sitting here racking my brain trying to figure out what to say and? 
I got nuthin’.
So if you dare - read on while I dig reeeaaalllly deep to find something to put here in this space.  And may I just apologize in advance, please? 
Let’s see.  Well I got 31 Botox injections in my head on Wednesday and I was told that the Botox wouldn’t even kick in for 5 to 7 days.  Turns out they weren’t lying.  I had a migraine Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  Got Botox on that Wednesday and had a migraine on Thursday and Friday.  Trucking brilliant.  I was 5 for 5.  Congrats to me.  I have not had another one since Friday though and I’m hoping beyond hope that the Botox is kicking in.  Please – get on your knees and pray with me, mkay?
Board meeting tonight….the one where I ask for a substantial raise.  I’m not nervous.  Nope.
Also – if you believe that – then there are some rivers in my backyard I’d like to sell you as well.
I stopped working out and eating right for the most part when my migraines kicked my ass nearly 20 days a month.  IF I worked out – it caused a migraine.  It’s hard to do anything when you’re on enough meds to knock out a cow.  Functioning takes everything I have and working out and caring what I eat get put on the backburner.  Right or wrong – it’s the truth. 
 In the hopes that this week the migraines will be gone due to the Botox, I have pre-made all my healthy pre-portioned meals again.  I have a plan to work out.  I have a plan to give a damn about myself again now that I am off all meds except for the Botox.  I’m super motivated and have plans to shank the doctor if Botox doesn’t work.
Oh and it turns out that summer isn’t really over like we all thought.  It’s going to be in the upper 90s this week!  The kids and I actually got in the pool again this weekend after not going in it for weeks!  Score!!  I get to keep pretending that my kids aren’t going back to school soon.
Um – okay – that’s all I got, folks.  Seriously.  Buh-O-Ring.  I told you.
I shall leave you with this.  A picture of my new Smartphone case!  Holy donkey diamonds!!!  Can you say bling!???  OMG – don’t you love this?  Seriously.  To.  Die.  For.
The end.
Carry on. 
Keep calm and take a Skittle bath.  Mkay?

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Holy elephant farts!!!

I couldn't think of a title.  Sue me.
I have so much to tell you.  Let’s begin the randompants, shall we?

A-Rambo, Watermelon and I got Smartphones last night.  Jesus balls.  I hate it.  Well – wait.  Let me rephrase that.  I hate change.  Literally – I just got the hang of texting and even finally got used to leaving my phone ON and now you want me to use a fricking phone that can double as a TV remote and does what I tell it to if I speak to it?  Yah.  There should be a rule against dumb people (aka – me) using Smartphones.  The ONLY thing that I love about it is the fact that I got a kick ass blinged out cover for it.
B-It finally happened.  Rambo and I went on a motorcycle benefit ride with about 200 bikes and a guy at the end had a tire blow out and he wrecked and had to be med-flighted to the hospital.  We were ahead of him so we didn’t see it happen.  Ugh.  I always wondered if/when I’d be on a ride and someone would wreck.  Yuck.

C-I got BOTOX this morning.  31 injections.  Forehead, temples, back of head, shoulders and back of neck.  Yuck-a-rooni.  Hurt like a mother bitch but not nearly as much as getting 20 migraines a month or ending up in the ER shoved full of IVs.  Here’s praying to baby Jesus that this works.
D-Every day after I drop my kids at the sitter’s house, I drive to work on the back roads and there is a woman who walks every day.  Totally gray hair and older.  In a long pink nightgown/housecoat.  I freaking love it.  I wave and she makes me smile.  She reminds me every day that I still get to live in an area where little old Grandmas can literally take an early morning walk in their pajamas and be safe.

E-I hate that it’s almost September.  I hate that school will start soon.  I hate that my flowers will die soon.  Blah, blah, blah.  I keep trying to remember it means fall and sweaters and football games and holidays and time off.  But for now – it sucks goat turds that summer is ending.
F-Two of my most favorite bloggers who have tons of followers and have been doing this way better and way longer than me have shocked me this month.  Both have disclosed that their marriages are ending.  I literally read the words and out loud said to my screen, “No effing way!”  Like I felt an instant instinct of pain for these women that I have not nor will ever meet.  It’s just so heartbreaking.  I despise reality.  I prefer to live in Care Bear Land where fairy tales really exist.

G-I wrote up my raise proposal and submitted it to the Board for Monday’s meeting.  How the hell else will I pay for the stupid new Smartphones?  Eesh.
H-I have a ton of “athletic” type outfits I’ve decided to sell.  Like Adidas shorts with a matching Adidas shirt.  Or Nike.  Or Under Armour.  I just don’t wear them and they were expensive and someone should so I’ll put them on the sale blog in case you are interested.  I think I might sell some of my Harley Davidson sweatpants/matching shirt outfits too.  Time to clean the closet a bit.

I-I dip-dyed Watermelon’s hair red on the ends.  Her friends all did theirs pink and she wanted red so we did it.  It turned out super cute…and if I didn’t work in a professional office you can bet your ass I’d be dying mine blue or pink or something.  It’s killing me that I can’t.  Ha!
Alright – that’s it.  Not as much as I thought and not nearly as exciting as you thought it would be, was it? 
Have a good day, Skittles!

Friday, August 9, 2013

Local class reunions.

Every time I open my spam email the only emails I have are for LOCAL sluts.  I think it’s discrimination.  I mean what if I don’t want LOCAL sluts.  Why am I not given the choice between LOCAL and non-local whores?  I’m outraged.  Like for real.
That and Adrianna.  Adrianna will not stop emailing me.  She’s all “Why you no contact me?  Why you ignore me?  I in town.  I remember we had fun together many year ago.  Please call me.  I want to catch up.”
…and steal all your money and your life.   F*ck you very much.
If Adrianna had a brain in her head she’d know that I simply cannot contact her.  I’m a grammar freak and hers is atrocious that there can just never be anything between us.  I’m sorry, Adrianna.
As you can see, I’ve got nothing to talk about today except sluts named Adrianna.  Not to mention Abdul who inherited millions and wants to give it to little ‘ol me.
It’s Podunk’s huge festival weekend so we’ll be on the go starting today until late Sunday.  Rambo and I also have a muscular dystrophy benefit ride all day Saturday and a night swim planned that night too (no kids!).  Groceries and a nap are also on the agenda today as well.
Oh and…if any of you ever wondered how class reunions occur in Podunk – well fret no more.  I shall tell you.  Someone emails someone on Facebook and says, “Hey – should we plan a reunion?”
Others in the class then chime in:
I have a pasture. 
I have a picnic table.
I have a grill.
I can brew my own beer and bring it.
And that’s it.  The reunion is on. 
Bring your own food and silverware.  Don't wear nice shoes in case you step in cow poop. 
No need to lose weight or buy a nice outfit. 
It'll be dark because there NO LIGHTS in cow pastures.  SCORE!!
Also – PS – it’s next weekend so you get a ton of time to clear your schedule.
What the merry f*ck?  Seriously – could we “pretend” to be civilized just once? 
Nah.  It’s not who we are. 
This is really just an excuse to grill out and brew homemade beer.  Duh.
Try not to be jealous.
Podunk is fabulous.  You know you want to live here.  We even have some real, bonafide local sluts available.  I promise.  There might even be a few at the beer party class reunion.  Crazier things have happened in Podunk.  I swear.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Are you a life-sucker-outer?

I am. 
Or I used to be. 
I guess you could say that I'm in recovery now. 
I think God is trying to teach me a lesson in friendship lately. 
I got the message  – loud and clear – and if it was appropriate to tell God to shush up – I’d be yelling that from the rooftops right about now.
Enough already!
You see – I’m needy.  I always have been.  I don’t know how that happens but it’s something in my personality.  I’ve always needed and wanted constant love and affection and assurance.  As a young girl – I didn’t get that and I think that only fed my need to want it even more.  As I’ve gotten older – I have figured out that love first comes from within and I can’t rely on other people to fill up my love tank.
That’s not to say I don’t still love and need attention and love deeper than the average person.  It is just who I am.  Watermelon is the same way…and has been since birth.  If you show her “extra” love and attention even for a moment – you can almost see her sprout wings and fly in that moment.  It is the bread to her butter.  The Skittle to her bath.  The gumdrop to her fart.
I used to apologize for being this way and I simply refuse to anymore.  It is an integral part of me – neither right nor wrong.  It just is.  If you love me – you love me including that trait….or you should walk away.
And let me tell you – people have walked away because I need them too much.  That’s a lot of pressure on someone and most people can’t handle it.  In fact – in all of my life – Rambo is the only one who takes it on and carries it.  I’m not sure why he hasn’t buckled under the pressure but he hasn’t.  He is in truth – the only person who has stayed from the beginning. 
I have no one else I lean on or go to when I need help or love or a hug or a shoulder to weep on. 
No one. 
I have learned that there will probably be no one else.  Ever.  I’m just not friend material because I require too much of a person’s heart.  I will not settle for less.  It is what it is.  I am learning to embrace this part of me. 
On the flip side, I’ve never really met someone and become their friend and thought “Wow – I cannot be their friend.  They need me too much.”  I mean come on – I WANT to be needed that much.  It makes my soul soar. 
I would let myself get completely trampled on by people but if I felt NEEDED – I’d stay through the shit.  I wanted someone to need me THAT badly.  I would tell myself that some day if I just stuck it out they’d realize they could love me as much as I loved them.  That some day it’d be mutual and we’d skip off into the rainbows as BFFs.
I have always searched for a person to need and love me as much as I need and love them – friendship-wise.  I’ve thought that I’ve found it MANY times and obviously – I didn’t…because I sit here today with no one again.  I don’t blame people for walking away…in fact, I understand it completely.
Why?  Because God and life is slowly teaching me the lesson of what it’s probably like to be my friend.  It’s kind of a cruel joke really.  I have someone in my life currently who needs me BADLY.  Her life is a f*cking mess of emotions and events. 
I cannot handle it.  I cannot fix it. I cannot care like I could have even a year or two ago.  I cannot offer any more solutions than I have.  I cannot keep feeling and hurting so much for her.  Her pain and turmoil is breaking my heart.  
This is probably how people have felt trying to be my friend in the past.
What a realization.
I can’t be the therapist.  I can’t fix this.  I haven’t dealt with house, finance, in-law, fighting, or job stress problems for years.  I mean of course, in little ways – but not to this extent.  Not in reference to life upheavel and sobbing and punching doors and walking out.
I don’t want to think about any of those things.  It’s too much negativity and I have no power to change any of it. 
And not to sound like a complete bitch – but not once did I get asked about my day or my feelings or my life?
And that’s not fair.  Or nice.  Or thoughtful. 
And I won’t apologize for needing that.
I’m tired.  The life is being sucked out of me and I just want to run back to my own house and life and marriage and family and live in that joy.  Every single f*cking day.  It’s ALL that I want.
The Universe just keeps showing me that beyond that little circle – is nothing I really have the balls to maintain.  I used to want to so badly for outside friendships and the effort I put forth to find or maintain those outside friendships was immense.
Now?  I have everything I want.  I won’t sacrifice my own heart anymore for just the remote possibility that I’ll get some love or friendship in return for that sacrifice.
It’s not worth it. 
I’m so done fighting for love and affection and need.  I want to be where it comes easily and naturally.  I want to live where it is given before I even ask for it.  I want to never have to ask for it.  I want to teach my girls that they deserve exactly that as well.
Wife and mother and career woman are all I can be right now at this point in my life. 
I have lost the desire to be a friend because I truly believe that none of us really know what the definition of a real friend is.  Cynical and bitter, am I?
Maybe.  Maybe not. 
I think maybe I’m just finally a realist.  I let myself roam out of Care Bear Land once in a while and I see that the fairy tale regarding friendships doesn’t exist for every single human. 
And I am one of those humans.
For the first time in my life – I’m okay with that.  The pain it took to get to this spot is something I’ll never forget and something I hope to never feel again but I feel like I earned the right to feel this way.
By not being anyone’s friend – it also means that I will never again be a life-sucker-outer in anyone’s life like I have been in the past.  I will never be a friend burden upon anyone again. 
I will be acquaintances and surface friends to many because I have no need for anything beyond that anymore.  I’ll get my deep friendship with Rambo and my immediate family….and everything beyond that will be casual and fun and good but nothing more.
I will make a point to surround myself with joy and love and gratefulness.
And I will have to learn to tell the life-sucker-outers that I mistakenly let in – that they have to find someone else.
I can’t be used in that way anymore. 
Like I said – my tank is full. 
There’s just no room for anyone else now that I’ve made room for myself.
How about you?  Are you a life-sucker-outer?  Or do you know any life-sucker-outers?

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Botox, Vagina Vulnerability and Dog Farts.

Nice title, huh? 
 I can't wait to see how many people find my blog using the key words in my title.  Eesh.
Anywhoozle, guess what yours truly did last night?
I got on the treadmill and sweated my chubby little ass off.  Feel free to applaud.  It’s that big of a deal.  It felt pretty great if I do say so myself.  The whole time I kept thinking, “Why do I let myself forget how good this makes me feel?”
I ended up getting a burst of energy from my workout and a migraine.  Dammit. 
Annoying as hell I tell you. 
Speaking of migraines, I’ve been approved for Botox!!  Whoop!!  I’ve heard people have really good luck with Botox preventing migraines so here’s hoping!  I’ll let you know how it goes.  I’ve gotten Botox in my armpits a few times to stop sweating and it really didn’t hurt too bad at all but I think this will be in neck region.  We’ll see.
Also I’d like to say that I am tired today.  So tired that I went pee just so I could sit down and close my eyes and not get in trouble.  Do any of you sit on the toilet to catch a break and then start to panic that a snake or dragon might come through the pipes and bite your vagina?  No?  I know it’s irrational but just sitting there – resting instead of peeing – makes me feel all kind of vagina vulnerable you know?
It’s raise time for one of my PT jobs.  Asking for a raise scares me more than fire ants in my underwear.  Why the hell is it so hard when I know that I’m worth it?  Ugh.
Let’s see – what else?  Oh yah - there’s this little tidbit.  Eating healthy smells like dog farts.  I ate hard boiled eggs for breakfast and tilapia for lunch and therefore my office smells downright stanky.  When people walk in I’m sure they think I’ve got feminine hygiene issues so I’m contemplating making a sign that says, “It isn’t me.  It’s my food.  I swear.”
Okay – that’s all the randompants I think you should be subjected to in one day so I’m stopping there.
Have a great day, Skittles.

Monday, August 5, 2013

So, so many tears. And so, so much laughter.

Those two sentences describe the last week of my life to a tee.

It's no secret that the cycle of life is often on my mind and of course, even more so when huge life events occur.  As a kid, you never really understand death and new life and weddings and funerals and what they all mean.  You just go – because someone older tells you that it’s the right thing to do.
Now that I’m older – each life event that I experience seems more profound than the next and they change me.  My life is altered after each one whether I like it or not.

The past week has been a rollercoaster of emotions like none other.  I had told you that Rambo’s Grandmother died.  The drive to where she lives is 18 hours one way and Rambo made the decision to go – and Watermelon made the decision to go with him.
Did you read that?  18 hours is ONE way.  36 hours total.  Plus 3 days in between at the wake and funeral.  With her father.  Without  anyone else.  She was happy to go.  Excited.  Most of all – not scared.

I didn’t have to coerce her or tell her everything would be alright because she already feels safe with her Dad.  36 hours of just those two on the way there and back was like nothing to her.  Just another day with her Dad.
Some day I’ll tell her what her going on that trip meant to me.  To the little girl inside of me who has never and would never go alone in a car with my own Dad for more than an hour.  Even now.  Nearing 40 and I don’t think I’d do it.  I doubt either of us could.  We wish it was as easy as packing and going but we both know it isn’t.

To say that it is monumental to me that she went with him and vice versa…well it’s impossible to put into words. 
Of course, they attended the wake and funeral and of course there was sadness and tears but each of the 3 nights that they stayed there, the entire family gathered at the hotel and everyone sat around the pool for hours – laughing and connecting and telling stories.

And when it was all over, everyone decided we’d plan an annual trip with everyone so that these kinds of memories would never end.  That’s the definition of family if you ask me.
People of every age coming together from thousands of miles away holding each other while they cry during the day and sitting side by side in a whirlpool at night laughing until they cry.  Mourning the loss of the family matriarch and vowing the bonds will remain in honor of that matriarch.

A few days after Rambo and Watermelon returned from their trip, Rambo and I attended a family wedding.  It’s the first time that I cried at a wedding and it wasn’t necessarily all because of the bride and groom.  It was because Rambo sat on one side of me and down the pew were my mother and sister and all my Aunts and Uncles and cousins.
It was because all of them were sobbing as well.  Because you can’t not feel the spirit of togetherness and hope in the air on days like that.  The feeling of a new beginning and nothing but pure joy in the moment of a wedding.  Vows dripping with love, toasts that take longer than they should because emotions take over and laughter so loud it hurts your ears as I watch my mom dance to “Blurred Lines”.

You can’t be sad at weddings like that – when everyone comes together despite history and dislikes and petty fights – for the sake of two people in love.  You cannot help but to feel honored to be a part of that.
In the middle of all of this, our close friends had a baby girl as well.  Another life.  Right in the middle of all this death and joy.  How is a heart supposed to keep up, I ask you?

You can’t go through these ceremonies and moments and not think about the cycle of life that takes a woman of 92 years from you one day and starts a new life and a new marriage the next.  You also can never begin to figure it all out.  I don’t think we’re supposed to…for if we could then none of it would seem so extraordinary and jaw-dropping.
My mom said to me as I did her hair for the wedding this weekend, “I just can’t stop crying.  I can’t figure out why.  It’s just all so emotional with all my family here and stuff.  I don’t know what is going on with me. The wedding hasn’t even started!”

I told her to keep crying and that it’s okay to cry whenever the hell she wants for whatever reason she wants.  That anyone who isn’t feeling emotional during times of great joy like this isn’t really living or understanding how amazing daily life can be.  And how precious and short it is.
She seemed to take that in and simply acknowledge that yes – tears aren’t a bad thing and they don’t mean you’re weak or even sad.  She needed to hear someone say that.

I saw her cry more times than I could count over the weekend and every time I thanked God for having a mom that isn’t afraid to feel that deeply…and show it now that she is older. 
Age indeed changes us.  I see that more in my parents and in myself every single day and events like funerals and weddings just make it more obvious.

How about you?  Has age profoundly changed your emotions?  The way you feel at certain events?  Do you notice that change?  Fight it or embrace it?