Or I used to be.
I guess you could say that I'm in recovery now.
I think God is trying to teach me a lesson in friendship lately.
I got the message – loud and clear – and if it was appropriate to tell God to shush up – I’d be yelling that from the rooftops right about now.
You see – I’m needy. I always have been. I don’t know how that happens but it’s something in my personality. I’ve always needed and wanted constant love and affection and assurance. As a young girl – I didn’t get that and I think that only fed my need to want it even more. As I’ve gotten older – I have figured out that love first comes from within and I can’t rely on other people to fill up my love tank.
That’s not to say I don’t still love and need attention and love deeper than the average person. It is just who I am. Watermelon is the same way…and has been since birth. If you show her “extra” love and attention even for a moment – you can almost see her sprout wings and fly in that moment. It is the bread to her butter. The Skittle to her bath. The gumdrop to her fart.
I used to apologize for being this way and I simply refuse to anymore. It is an integral part of me – neither right nor wrong. It just is. If you love me – you love me including that trait….or you should walk away.
And let me tell you – people have walked away because I need them too much. That’s a lot of pressure on someone and most people can’t handle it. In fact – in all of my life – Rambo is the only one who takes it on and carries it. I’m not sure why he hasn’t buckled under the pressure but he hasn’t. He is in truth – the only person who has stayed from the beginning.
I have no one else I lean on or go to when I need help or love or a hug or a shoulder to weep on.
I have learned that there will probably be no one else. Ever. I’m just not friend material because I require too much of a person’s heart. I will not settle for less. It is what it is. I am learning to embrace this part of me.
On the flip side, I’ve never really met someone and become their friend and thought “Wow – I cannot be their friend. They need me too much.” I mean come on – I WANT to be needed that much. It makes my soul soar.
I would let myself get completely trampled on by people but if I felt NEEDED – I’d stay through the shit. I wanted someone to need me THAT badly. I would tell myself that some day if I just stuck it out they’d realize they could love me as much as I loved them. That some day it’d be mutual and we’d skip off into the rainbows as BFFs.
I have always searched for a person to need and love me as much as I need and love them – friendship-wise. I’ve thought that I’ve found it MANY times and obviously – I didn’t…because I sit here today with no one again. I don’t blame people for walking away…in fact, I understand it completely.
Why? Because God and life is slowly teaching me the lesson of what it’s probably like to be my friend. It’s kind of a cruel joke really. I have someone in my life currently who needs me BADLY. Her life is a f*cking mess of emotions and events.
I cannot handle it. I cannot fix it. I cannot care like I could have even a year or two ago. I cannot offer any more solutions than I have. I cannot keep feeling and hurting so much for her. Her pain and turmoil is breaking my heart.
This is probably how people have felt trying to be my friend in the past.
What a realization.
I can’t be the therapist. I can’t fix this. I haven’t dealt with house, finance, in-law, fighting, or job stress problems for years. I mean of course, in little ways – but not to this extent. Not in reference to life upheavel and sobbing and punching doors and walking out.
I don’t want to think about any of those things. It’s too much negativity and I have no power to change any of it.
And not to sound like a complete bitch – but not once did I get asked about my day or my feelings or my life?
And that’s not fair. Or nice. Or thoughtful.
And I won’t apologize for needing that.
I’m tired. The life is being sucked out of me and I just want to run back to my own house and life and marriage and family and live in that joy. Every single f*cking day. It’s ALL that I want.
The Universe just keeps showing me that beyond that little circle – is nothing I really have the balls to maintain. I used to want to so badly for outside friendships and the effort I put forth to find or maintain those outside friendships was immense.
Now? I have everything I want. I won’t sacrifice my own heart anymore for just the remote possibility that I’ll get some love or friendship in return for that sacrifice.
It’s not worth it.
I’m so done fighting for love and affection and need. I want to be where it comes easily and naturally. I want to live where it is given before I even ask for it. I want to never have to ask for it. I want to teach my girls that they deserve exactly that as well.
Wife and mother and career woman are all I can be right now at this point in my life.
I have lost the desire to be a friend because I truly believe that none of us really know what the definition of a real friend is. Cynical and bitter, am I?
Maybe. Maybe not.
I think maybe I’m just finally a realist. I let myself roam out of Care Bear Land once in a while and I see that the fairy tale regarding friendships doesn’t exist for every single human.
And I am one of those humans.
For the first time in my life – I’m okay with that. The pain it took to get to this spot is something I’ll never forget and something I hope to never feel again but I feel like I earned the right to feel this way.
By not being anyone’s friend – it also means that I will never again be a life-sucker-outer in anyone’s life like I have been in the past. I will never be a friend burden upon anyone again.
I will be acquaintances and surface friends to many because I have no need for anything beyond that anymore. I’ll get my deep friendship with Rambo and my immediate family….and everything beyond that will be casual and fun and good but nothing more.
I will make a point to surround myself with joy and love and gratefulness.
And I will have to learn to tell the life-sucker-outers that I mistakenly let in – that they have to find someone else.
I can’t be used in that way anymore.
Like I said – my tank is full.
There’s just no room for anyone else now that I’ve made room for myself.
How about you? Are you a life-sucker-outer? Or do you know any life-sucker-outers?