When you’re done reading this (if you can get all the way through) please remember that I warned you this was going to be worse than watching paint dry, mkay?Let’s see…my kids started school this week. Rambo took the day off just like he has for the last 12 years but suddenly the 12 year old was too old for her Dad to take her to school so she rode the bus. Just to be an ass Rambo walked down to the end of the driveway and waited for the bus with her and took embarrassing pictures of her. She thought that was pretty funny.
The 7 year old got taken to her first day on the Harley and was on Cloud 9 and not a single tear was shed. Today? Um – different story. I couldn’t count how many tears fell off her tiny cheeks if I tried. I’m not sure who it was harder on…her or Rambo because he had to drop her off and leave her crying.It blows…but she’ll get used to it.
Oh and this weekend my kid spilled a huge cup of water onto the kitchen floor and as I was wiping it up I thought to myself, “This is awesome. Now I don’t have to clean this part of the floor for another week.” I think Banana was shocked I wasn’t the least mad about it. Yes. I really just wrote in my blog about my kid spilling water. Lest I remind you that I warned you about the boring-ness of my life?Remember the stray cat that we adopted and Rambo with the soft heart that supposedly hates cats bought cat food for? Yah – well that might have been pointless. The other night I heard what sounded like hippos stampeding and when I looked outside the next morning I saw that our tiny winy stray cat had killed a massive rabbit and feasted on it. On our deck. By the lovely table and chairs. With blood spatters everywhere like a massacre had gone down. Jesus balls. Good thing I bought Kibbles and Bits or she may have starved. Yah…sure.
What else? Oh - Rambo ended up working one 15 hour shift and two 18 hour shifts over the holiday weekend because some dumbass inmate decided to sport some internal bleeding. The inmate was a complete dick and at one point Rambo had to taze the guy while he was restrained in the hospital bed and the nurses freaked out and state troopers and cops and everybody and their brother came in. We saw him a few minutes each day and that was it. Sucked giant donkey dicks.The only other thing that is minorly exciting in my life is my ability to stay awake and do things. I’m serious. I didn’t realize how fatiguing the drugs I have been on were. I mean – all I did was sleep and if I wasn’t sleeping I was sitting down. I didn’t care about much in my house because I didn’t have the energy to. But lately? Get this. I could kick Martha Stewart and Betty Crocker’s ass with one punch – I swear.
This weekend I moved shit around and cleaned big time. I decluttered like a mo fo. I organized an entire coat, hat, mitten and shoe closet. I found all my Adidas and Nike outfits I want to sell and took pics of them. I put 20 outfits together for Banana and put them in her cubes so she can just pick one each morning and go. I made cinnamon cake and muffins.
I mapped out our suppers for each night of the week on a calendar that shows what we have going on that night so I know if we have a little or a lot of time for supper. I have a grocery list that consists of only the things we need to make those suppers and school snacks and work lunches. I have pre-made mine and Rambo’s meals for every day this week. I finally cleared off our dining room table and we have had a family supper each night WITHOUT the TV on every night this week. Holy shit on a stick right?My kids were all like – “Why are we eating over here?” and they had trouble figuring out how to sit down at the actual table area. Rambo was all like, “Um – cuz it’s a table and we’re going to pretend to be a normal family and act like we like each other okay?”
The shit is getting real up in heyah people.
One night my 12 year old even said, "Maybe we should pray before we eat." I don't even know what to do with that....so we ignored her.I kid you not. I even did a little fall decorating with pumpkins and orange candles and shit. I’m going to make a wreath tonight from freaking scratch.
I put away all my laundry….which is a massive feat I must say.I made specialized TO DO lists for my anal calendar that goes out to 2014. Like one list is “personal to do”. One is “school to do”. One is “1st PT job to do” and another is for the “2nd PT job to do” since both of those have so many time deadlines that I want to be ready for. The system is working well and I feel in control for the first time in what feels like forever.
I managed to get my “I hate rules” kid to put away her bookbag and shoes last night AND do math online. What the what? She even took a bath, washed her hair and combed it (yes – this is a major accomplishment) AND me – yours truly – did double French braids for her so she’d wake up and have curly hair. Then to be fair I had to straighten Watermelon’s hair too.And just because I haven’t bragged enough to make you vomit excessively (because that’s my goal)…I’d like to report that I even worked out last night. 40 minutes and got up to an incline of 12.
This must be what Supermoms feel like every day. And let’s face it – every freaking mother alive is a Supermom. For a long time, I felt more like a Mediocre Mom and I fit the part in every way.Now? I need a freaking cape. A pink one covered in glitter and sparklers.
Where’s my bedazzler?This whole feeling like a human thing kicks ass, people. Like seriously kicks ass.
Peace out, Skittles. << It appears that feeling like a human also makes me speak like a gangster. Just go with it, mkay?