Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Mediocre Mom might be dead.

My life is so boring that I’ve lost my mojo to write about it.  I mean seriously.  It’s slightly reedick.

When you’re done reading this (if you can get all the way through) please remember that I warned you this was going to be worse than watching paint dry, mkay?
Let’s see…my kids started school this week.  Rambo took the day off just like he has for the last 12 years but suddenly the 12 year old was too old for her Dad to take her to school so she rode the bus.  Just to be an ass Rambo walked down to the end of the driveway and waited for the bus with her and took embarrassing pictures of her.  She thought that was pretty funny.

The 7 year old got taken to her first day on the Harley and was on Cloud 9 and not a single tear was shed.  Today?  Um – different story.  I couldn’t count how many tears fell off her tiny cheeks if I tried.  I’m not sure who it was harder on…her or Rambo because he had to drop her off and leave her crying.
It blows…but she’ll get used to it.

Oh and this weekend my kid spilled a huge cup of water onto the kitchen floor and as I was wiping it up I thought to myself, “This is awesome.  Now I don’t have to clean this part of the floor for another week.”  I think Banana was shocked I wasn’t the least mad about it.  Yes.  I really just wrote in my blog about my kid spilling water.  Lest I remind you that I warned you about the boring-ness of my life?
Remember the stray cat that we adopted and Rambo with the soft heart that supposedly hates cats bought cat food for?  Yah – well that might have been pointless.  The other night I heard what sounded like hippos stampeding and when I looked outside the next morning I saw that our tiny winy stray cat had killed a massive rabbit and feasted on it.  On our deck.  By the lovely table and chairs.  With blood spatters everywhere like a massacre had gone down.  Jesus balls.  Good thing I bought Kibbles and Bits or she may have starved.  Yah…sure.

What else?  Oh - Rambo ended up working one 15 hour shift and two 18 hour shifts over the holiday weekend because some dumbass inmate decided to sport some internal bleeding.  The inmate was a complete dick and at one point Rambo had to taze the guy while he was restrained in the hospital bed and the nurses freaked out and state troopers and cops and everybody and their brother came in.  We saw him a few minutes each day and that was it.  Sucked giant donkey dicks.
The only other thing that is minorly exciting in my life is my ability to stay awake and do things.  I’m serious.  I didn’t realize how fatiguing the drugs I have been on were.  I mean – all I did was sleep and if I wasn’t sleeping I was sitting down.  I didn’t care about much in my house because I didn’t have the energy to.  But lately?  Get this.  I could kick Martha Stewart and Betty Crocker’s ass with one punch – I swear.

This weekend I moved shit around and cleaned big time.  I decluttered like a mo fo.  I organized an entire coat, hat, mitten and shoe closet.  I found all my Adidas and Nike outfits I want to sell and took pics of them.  I put 20 outfits together for Banana and put them in her cubes so she can just pick one each morning and go.  I made cinnamon cake and muffins. 
I mapped out our suppers for each night of the week on a calendar that shows what we have going on that night so I know if we have a little or a lot of time for supper.  I have a grocery list that consists of only the things we need to make those suppers and school snacks and work lunches.  I have pre-made mine and Rambo’s meals for every day this week.  I finally cleared off our dining room table and we have had a family supper each night WITHOUT the TV on every night this week.  Holy shit on a stick right?
My kids were all like – “Why are we eating over here?” and they had trouble figuring out how to sit down at the actual table area.  Rambo was all like, “Um – cuz it’s a table and we’re going to pretend to be a normal family and act like we like each other okay?” 

The shit is getting real up in heyah people. 
One night my 12 year old even said, "Maybe we should pray before we eat."  I don't even know what to do with we ignored her.
I kid you not.  I even did a little fall decorating with pumpkins and orange candles and shit.  I’m going to make a wreath tonight from freaking scratch.

I put away all my laundry….which is a massive feat I must say.
I made specialized TO DO lists for my anal calendar that goes out to 2014.  Like one list is “personal to do”.  One is “school to do”.  One is “1st PT job to do” and another is for the “2nd PT job to do” since both of those have so many time deadlines that I want to be ready for.  The system is working well and I feel in control for the first time in what feels like forever. 

I managed to get my “I hate rules” kid to put away her bookbag and shoes last night AND do math online.  What the what?  She even took a bath, washed her hair and combed it (yes – this is a major accomplishment) AND me – yours truly – did double French braids for her so she’d wake up and have curly hair.  Then to be fair I had to straighten Watermelon’s hair too.
And just because I haven’t bragged enough to make you vomit excessively (because that’s my goal)…I’d like to report that I even worked out last night.  40 minutes and got up to an incline of 12. 

This must be what Supermoms feel like every day.  And let’s face it – every freaking mother alive is a Supermom.  For a long time, I felt more like a Mediocre Mom and I fit the part in every way. 
Now?  I need a freaking cape.  A pink one covered in glitter and sparklers.

Where’s my bedazzler? 
This whole feeling like a human thing kicks ass, people.  Like seriously kicks ass.

Peace out, Skittles.  << It appears that feeling like a human also makes me speak like a gangster.  Just go with it, mkay? 


Rachel said...

Glad you're feeling SUPER again! Sparkle on.

Jewlz280 said...

Holey shit on a cracker! Glad the botox shots helped so much. THAT IS AWESOME! I mentioned this to a friend the other day and even told her about your blog so she could check your updates. SO GLAD I DID! I hope you keep feeling great!

jennxaz said...

I need a nap...and whatever you are on..because YOU rock!

Cat said...

Like jenn said - I need a nap just reading how much you have accomplished. You're so my hero. I love that you got Banana's outfits in her cubeys so she can just pick it out and go!!

So sorry about the limited time with Rambo because of a db inmate. : (

Connie O said...

Gangster talk and Skittles. I like it! So glad you are feeling filled with energy and well-being.

Loving Life by Leesa said...

You go girl! So glad you're feeling alive again! Makes all the difference in the world!

Angelwithatwist said...

While I don't have the headaches my back since the wreck has wreaked havoc on my ability to do things. Like you this weekend we put the Labor into labor day and my kids were not thrilled but they did it. By Monday I could barely walk but I had regained somewhat of a handle on my house. IT feels good doesn't it. You go momma..

Joanna said...

I don't get how you think you have a boring blog post.. I have NEVER been bored reading your blog. I read and get all teary eyed or inspired or down right jealous because you are always so freaking busy, yet still manage to do awesome stuff like baked goods.

You really are Martha Stewart, aren't you?

I am definitely on board with the pink, glittery cape. In fact, I think you should start selling them.. I'd buy one. Just to wear around the house, to remind my kids how awesome I really am..HA!

Although, after reading this... I think mine would have to be a paler shade, because there's no way I could pull off doing as much as you do. You deserve THE one of a kind SuperMom cape. :)

Ducky said...

I laughed. I really did. Especially with the kat and rabbit. One of our cats did that but on the front porch. Fur clumbs right on the door mat and a HUGE trail of blood all the way up the front porch. It was great! Kept the solicitors away for awhile. That and the dead bird in the driveway that no one bothered to clean up.

Jewlz280 said...

LMAO! I knew if anyone would understand about the headaches, you would! And what's bad is I even said, "At least I don't have migraines like her." I promise I did! I'm actually trying going to the chiro and staying on my sinus/allergy meds to see if it helps. Over time, it's just getting worse and worse. If the chiro can help, I'll be glad but I'm not going to get my hopes up too far, yet. Did you ever try a chiro?

Kelly said...

Oh please- I say peace out all the time. And not for nothing, but SOA is coming back next week!

speck said...

Great uplifting post. Should we expect less! lol

FitBy40 said...

I'm still laughing out loud at you ignoring the prayer comment! You crack me up.
I totally thought of you today while I was in the dressing room at Kohls because I tried on a black and teal exercise outfit. I know how you love running gear, and teal.
I bought it for myself but will have hubby tell the girls he picked it out for me and they'll give it to me for my birthday. I'll act surprised.
Romantic, huh?

Beth Ann said...

Love the enthusiasm! Go girl!