Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I got a porn DVD in the mail today. AT WORK.

I’m not even being funny.  Not even a little.
I can think of little else more embarrassing than getting porn at work that I didn't order  – except receiving TWO porn packages at work.  How does this shit happen to me? 
Let me explain.
I’m the girl that pays all the bills and purchases all the inventory for the company that I work for.  That means the majority of the mail that comes in every day comes to my office.  It’s kind of like Christmas every day with all the packages…and all the bills paying for those packages.
Today I got 5 envelopes.  Two were very similar.  Mailed to our address but to a name I didn’t recognize for our company.  No biggie...that happens a lot.
I open the package and inside it feels like a DVD but I can’t tell because it’s wrapped again.  Hmmm – interesting.  I open that second envelope and it’s a DVD with a letter in it and on the outside there are no pictures or anything.  It just says “Stamina”. 
Shit on a stick.  Calm down I say to myself.  Stamina has many definitions.  Geez.
Then I read the letter that no lie starts out like this, “Hey Man.”
Bigger shit on a stick.
It goes on to say that I can watch this and learn many tricks on how to increase stamina from two famous porn stars and on and on and on.
Now – no – this isn’t that big of a deal.  Mistakes in shipping happen.  It’s fine. 

Well that is to say that it would be fine if on this day, the IT guy AND the maintenance guy weren’t in my office talking to me while I open mail that I DO NOT KNOW IS PORN.  Ugh.
The first guy doesn’t believe it.  He says, “It’s not porn” – it’s just a video.” 
Um yah – read the letter dude.
He reads about 3 sentences – turns eighteen shades of red and says he has to go.  First time I’ve ever seen this guy at a loss for words.
The second guy says I should google the business that it was addressed to.  I do.  I find it.  It’s a business in town.  There’s an email address listed.
Should I email them and say, “Hey – I got your porn here.  Wanna ask your employees if it belongs to them and I’ll mail it right over?”
Also – make a mental note – tell whoever ordered it that each and every time they order and send porn to their workplace that they should check, double check and perhaps even triple check that the address and name is correct.  I’m just sayin’.
My IT guy says he knows where this business is and I should totally go just drop it off.
Yah.  That’s gonna happen.  “Excuse me.  I’m here to deliver your porn.  That I opened.”

Cripes.
I’m taking both videos home to burn in our firepit.  Anyone want to place bets that on the way to my car from my office that a nun magically appears and the porn flies out of my bag right in front of her face and I’ll be forced to explain that it’s not mine even though it’s in my damn bag.  AND open.
Or when I go to the game tonight, my mom will want a ride just this one time because then I’ll be forced to unexpectedly move my bag and the porn will fall right out in front of her face.
This is the shit that happens to people who get porn at work that they didn’t order.
Eeesh.

5 comments:

Sarah Kopf said...

This. Is. Hysterical! I'd totally deliver it! In person!

Sarah
www.thinfluenced.com

Vanessa said...

Hilarious! don't they know they can stream it online???

Sheila said...

“Hey – I got your porn here. Wanna ask your employees if it belongs to them and I’ll mail it right over?”

Hahaha! That would be hilarious. Of all things to have go to the wrong address, and then what DOES one do with porn-not-asked-for? Gah!

Connie O said...

I wonder if it was not ordered by the addressee but sent by someone else as a joke? It just seems downright dumb to order porn sent to your workplace--unless you live there. Too funny that it made its way to you, though. Are you sure you aren't going to watch even a minute of it? ;)

FitBy40 said...

I TOTALLY think you should dress like a hooker and hand deliver that package to it's rightful owner! OMG, you could say it's a new service...personal delivery!
Hilarious.