Thursday, December 12, 2013

Ten Things Thursday!

1-Does anyone else think it’s weird that boys have entire conversations while they pee considering that they are HOLDING their “unit”?  Let me explain.  I walked by the men’s bathroom at work and heard multiple – as in at least 5 people – talking, carrying on and laughing.  WHILE they peed.  As I walked by I thought how odd that must be.  I mean can you imagine holding onto your vagina with your bare hand while you talk to a co-worker who probably isn’t even someone you are friends with?  It’s freaking weird.  Like let’s go back to work together after I saw your dick and pretend that it wasn’t awkward.  Yes – I realize they probably don’t look – but still.  It’s weird.  We women converse while we pee but our vagina isn’t hanging out in the air – least of all held on to by our own hands.

2-People who suck at their jobs have it made.  No one gives them more work because they can’t handle it.  No one gives them confidential info because no one trusts them with it.  No one asks them questions because no one thinks they’ll have answers.  No one cares where they are or what they are doing because no one thinks their time or talent is worth missing or worth anything for that matter.  For 8 hours a day – they get left alone – and the bare minimum is expected of them.  Smartest people in the world.  I mean yes – you have to have no internal pride but still.  I suppose it’s a compliment to be given tons more responsibility and work…but I’m just saying that I’d like to give more to the lazy sucktastic f*cker down the hall who hasn’t taken on anything new since 1985.
3-Tomorrow is family movie night.  Red 2 and Despicable Me 2 are on the agenda.  Mounds of blankets and pillows on the living floor and enough junk food to kill a small buffalo.  I cannot wait.

4-Tomorrow I’m going to wear my sequined Cmas shirt from Old Navy to work.  It is a white t-shirt and on the front in seqins are the words HO HO HO on top of each other.  Red and green obnoxious sequins.  I’m going to pair it with Cmas socks.  Sometimes I like to pretend I’m 3 and don’t have a mortgage.  It’s fun.
5-The thought of wrapping all my girl’s Cmas gifts makes me want to barf.  Twice.  I no likey the wrapping portion of Cmas. 

6-Last night I had Doritoes and Pepsi for supper.  My kids had Hot Pockets.  Mother of the Year right here,  folks.  Don’t even try to beat me.  Tonight is Ramen noodles.  So BAM!
7-I am obsessed with boot socks.  Socks long enough that you can cuff them over your boots.  They make my 8 billion pairs of boots feel like new boots. 

8-Both my girls are remodeling their bedrooms in a few months and I would just like to go on record as saying I hate painting and there are too many bed/furniture choices out there for kids.  I feel like I do nothing but draw layouts all day.  Search for beds.  Search for dresses and desks.  Take them home and get my girl’s opinions, rinse and repeat.  
9-Merry Christmas.

10-Happy New Year!

Monday, December 9, 2013

Santa is deaf. And illiterate. And high and drunk.

You’d think that I had sex with Satan eight years ago if you had to parent my child for more than 5 minutes.  She’s going through a stage.  One where she hates everything I say and her favorite word is NO.  I told her the other night that if she said no to me one more time – that there would be major consequences.

Know what she did?  Looked right at me and said, “NO”.
I must be a no-nonsense parent because clearly she is very afraid of me. 
It took everything in me not to get in my car and drive off a cliff.  Jesus, Joseph and Mary – she is a crabby little thing.  Sooo I’ve been using the ‘ol “Santa will NOT be coming to you this year” threat that all parents use the minute Thanksgiving is over.

I tell her it’s Christmas and ask her what in the world does an 8 year old have to be crabby about?  She says she needs sleep.  Easy fix.  Get your snotty ass in bed, right?
The next day she’s an angel.  All huggy and kissy and lovey and helping me every second and she says, “Mom.  Could we maybe write a Christmas list for Santa – just in case he decides to come after all?”

So being the sucker that I am – I help her write one.
Here comes the deaf and illiterate part.  I’ve been thinking that I’m the shiz because I’ve been done Cmas shopping for my girls for weeks now.  Woohoo – right?

Yah – not so fast.
She makes a list.  Plenty of things on said list.

Not a single mother-f*cking thing that I got her is on the mother-f*cking list.
I’m not joking.  Sooo at this point – when my kid opens her presents on Christmas morning she’s going to think that Santa could not hear her read her letter out loud 80 billion times AND he cannot read it for himself.

Santa is deaf and blind.  And he only lives on a diet of Xanax and vodka washed down with cookies and milk.  And every other day he has to stop himself from driving off a cliff. 
I kept telling my daughter that Santa probably already had all her gifts ready since it’s already December 9th.  Thank God the child has no concept or knowledge that there are plenty of shopping days left.

In my defense, listen to this.  One thing on her list is “a cowboy outfit that is warm”.  As opposed to a cowboy outfit that is cold?  What in the holy hell?  She has never ever – not once in her life – mentioned cowboys or played cowboys or wanted to dress up like one or even watched cowboy shows??
How in God’s name is Santa – who is most likely high and drunk – supposed to know she wanted a cowboy outfit??  A warm one – to be exact.

See?  Now you know why Santa is high and drunk and blind and illiterate.
It’s a necessity around these parts.  There's just no other way to hold on to your sanity without being one of those 4 things - or in my case - all of the above.