Monday, December 9, 2013

Santa is deaf. And illiterate. And high and drunk.

You’d think that I had sex with Satan eight years ago if you had to parent my child for more than 5 minutes.  She’s going through a stage.  One where she hates everything I say and her favorite word is NO.  I told her the other night that if she said no to me one more time – that there would be major consequences.

Know what she did?  Looked right at me and said, “NO”.
I must be a no-nonsense parent because clearly she is very afraid of me. 
It took everything in me not to get in my car and drive off a cliff.  Jesus, Joseph and Mary – she is a crabby little thing.  Sooo I’ve been using the ‘ol “Santa will NOT be coming to you this year” threat that all parents use the minute Thanksgiving is over.

I tell her it’s Christmas and ask her what in the world does an 8 year old have to be crabby about?  She says she needs sleep.  Easy fix.  Get your snotty ass in bed, right?
The next day she’s an angel.  All huggy and kissy and lovey and helping me every second and she says, “Mom.  Could we maybe write a Christmas list for Santa – just in case he decides to come after all?”

So being the sucker that I am – I help her write one.
Here comes the deaf and illiterate part.  I’ve been thinking that I’m the shiz because I’ve been done Cmas shopping for my girls for weeks now.  Woohoo – right?

Yah – not so fast.
She makes a list.  Plenty of things on said list.

Not a single mother-f*cking thing that I got her is on the mother-f*cking list.
I’m not joking.  Sooo at this point – when my kid opens her presents on Christmas morning she’s going to think that Santa could not hear her read her letter out loud 80 billion times AND he cannot read it for himself.

Santa is deaf and blind.  And he only lives on a diet of Xanax and vodka washed down with cookies and milk.  And every other day he has to stop himself from driving off a cliff. 
I kept telling my daughter that Santa probably already had all her gifts ready since it’s already December 9th.  Thank God the child has no concept or knowledge that there are plenty of shopping days left.

In my defense, listen to this.  One thing on her list is “a cowboy outfit that is warm”.  As opposed to a cowboy outfit that is cold?  What in the holy hell?  She has never ever – not once in her life – mentioned cowboys or played cowboys or wanted to dress up like one or even watched cowboy shows??
How in God’s name is Santa – who is most likely high and drunk – supposed to know she wanted a cowboy outfit??  A warm one – to be exact.

See?  Now you know why Santa is high and drunk and blind and illiterate.
It’s a necessity around these parts.  There's just no other way to hold on to your sanity without being one of those 4 things - or in my case - all of the above.


Loving Life by Leesa said...

Cookies, milk and LOTS of ice cream! Hang in there! It's hormones.

Sarah Kopf said...

So ass less chaps are out of the question. There goes my entire wardrobe of 'cowboy' stuff.


Jewlz280 said...

OMG. Sarah's comment! I was ROLLING! But... I see it isn't only MY 8yr. old acting like a massive asshole. Cause yes, my 8yr. old has been acting like an ASSHOLE. We had a couple of good days and then crap again. Hubby won't let me decorate because he says he wants more good days than bad before he agrees to actually do Christmas this year. Because just a couple of weeks ago, he canceled it! Still not sure if it is fully on the agenda, yet...

Hope your days get better. I hope we all make it through this. People talk about stress making you gain during the holidays. Nope -- it's the excessive alcohol just to keep from going BATSHIT BONKERS.

Sunshine's Heart said...

Draz, I understand your problem. I avoided this with my kids because I told them that Santa only gives one present on Christmas and that Dail and I would buy the rest of their gifts. Santa can't get all the credit. Moms and dads pay a fortune to provide gifts. Now that my kids are grown, I ask them for an idea of things they would like and I asked them what the grandkids have been asking for. My kids are doing the same with their presents to their kids. One from Santa and the others from family. Have you ever seen Santa Clause the Movie? It reinforces the idea that only one gift comes from Santa.
Anyway, good luck and Merry Christmas!

FitBy40 said...

Oh, this is the story of my life!
I told my girls that since they already saw Santa at the mall and told him the things they wanted, that they probably couldn't change or add to their list. I just hope the things I already bought, ages ago, are exciting enough that they won't care about the stupid list!
By the way, I've seen little girl cowboy hats at Target in recent months. They also have cowboy boots. Hope that helps!

MandaPanda said...

Oh I've missed you! My girls' xmas lists are stupid this year. Santa's getting creative. I have a new blog if you're interested...No offense taken if you're not ;)