Know what she did? Looked right at me and said, “NO”.
I must be a no-nonsense parent because clearly she is very afraid of me.It took everything in me not to get in my car and drive off a cliff. Jesus, Joseph and Mary – she is a crabby little thing. Sooo I’ve been using the ‘ol “Santa will NOT be coming to you this year” threat that all parents use the minute Thanksgiving is over.
I tell her it’s Christmas and ask her what in the world does an 8 year old have to be crabby about? She says she needs sleep. Easy fix. Get your snotty ass in bed, right?The next day she’s an angel. All huggy and kissy and lovey and helping me every second and she says, “Mom. Could we maybe write a Christmas list for Santa – just in case he decides to come after all?”
So being the sucker that I am – I help her write one.Here comes the deaf and illiterate part. I’ve been thinking that I’m the shiz because I’ve been done Cmas shopping for my girls for weeks now. Woohoo – right?
Yah – not so fast.She makes a list. Plenty of things on said list.
Not a single mother-f*cking thing that I got her is on the mother-f*cking list.I’m not joking. Sooo at this point – when my kid opens her presents on Christmas morning she’s going to think that Santa could not hear her read her letter out loud 80 billion times AND he cannot read it for himself.
Santa is deaf and blind. And he only lives on a diet of Xanax and vodka washed down with cookies and milk. And every other day he has to stop himself from driving off a cliff.I kept telling my daughter that Santa probably already had all her gifts ready since it’s already December 9th. Thank God the child has no concept or knowledge that there are plenty of shopping days left.
In my defense, listen to this. One thing on her list is “a cowboy outfit that is warm”. As opposed to a cowboy outfit that is cold? What in the holy hell? She has never ever – not once in her life – mentioned cowboys or played cowboys or wanted to dress up like one or even watched cowboy shows??How in God’s name is Santa – who is most likely high and drunk – supposed to know she wanted a cowboy outfit?? A warm one – to be exact.
See? Now you know why Santa is high and drunk and blind and illiterate.It’s a necessity around these parts. There's just no other way to hold on to your sanity without being one of those 4 things - or in my case - all of the above.