Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Chinese Checkers and Frasier.

In an effort to become a better parent, I have decided to do something that good parents do all the time.  I’m going to buy a board game.  Chinese Checkers to be exact.  It’s checkers-ish with marbles and the reason I picked this game isn’t really about being a good parent…it’s about my memories. 

I played this game all the time as a kid with my Grandma.  I see a marble and instantly am flooded with memories of her – and I want that for my kids.  And I want to get their faces out of their electronic gadgets too.  That’s a bonus.

Rambo invited friends over to our house this weekend.  Nearly 25 years into this and still he does things like this that instantly cover me in hives.  I want to strangle him.  Why can’t he just allow me to be a hermit who never leaves the house?  Sooo – looks like I’ll be spending an entire afternoon trying to make my house look like a magazine vs a hoarder’s house.  Did I mention I hate Rambo?  Damn him and his social normal tendencies.
Sometimes I forget that I live in town.  Or maybe sometimes I just wish that I didn’t.  I grew up on a farm.  In the country.  If my brothers wanted to walk out the front door and write their names with their own pee on the sidewalk – they could.  Nobody gave a damn.

No – I have no idea where I’m going with this.  Oh wait – yes I do.  Last night I had a brilliant (according to me) idea.  I have a pretty big hosta garden with probably a good 50 varieties or more.  I plant new ones each year and last year I decided to plant about 6 of the mini variety.  Meaning tiny.  They never get very big but they are super cute.  I love the contrast between those and my extra large ones that are bigger than an arm span.
Anyway – they are small when they are full grown and even butt ass tinier when they are newly planted and I hate that things like rocks and leaves “crowd them”.  Sooo last night I gathered a bunch of old Tupperware and cut the bottoms off and decided I’d put them around my tiny babies to keep the landscaping rocks off of them.

It was raining.  I live in town.  I had on a tiny bright pink leopard tank with spaghetti straps.  And no bra. 
The girls were hanging out.
I went outside anyway.  I stood out there in the rain putting my little makeshift bowl fences around my precious babies and didn’t give a damn who saw me.  Isn’t that stupid and weird? 

I mean – shouldn’t I have more class than that?  Or something?
Don’t answer that.  I say the neighbors are damn lucky that I had pants on. 

Speaking of not having pants on…last night Rambo wanted to take a bath with me.  Not a big deal.  We do it probably 5 days a week but last night I didn’t want to.  I was crabby and wanted to stay my happy ass on the couch.
Next thing I know, he turns the TV off so that I’m now sitting in a dark, silent living room.  He bends down and looks me straight in the eyes and points like a coon dog to the bathroom and then says GO…and walks away. 

You can bet your sweet, feminine ass that I threw a fit that went something like this.
Did you just shut my show off and point at me and tell me where to go?  You did NOT just point your finger at me.  Did you?  I mean really.  Did you?”

Too bad he wasn’t listening.  His happy, naked ass was already sitting in the hot bath.
He knew I’d be there in a second.  I hate that he knew I’d be in there.  I hate that he knew I needed to lay there with his arms wrapped around me and talk to him about stupid life things that I was worried about. 

He just knew.  We stayed in there talking until the water got cold and then watched Frasier re-runs in bed – laughing so loud our girls yelled at us to be quiet.
My life might be boring as hell - filled with checkers and stupid tiny plants – but it’s perfect to me.

Monday, April 28, 2014

No rhyme or reason whatsoever.

This is going to be random beyond belief.  Just sayin’.

I’m going to make myself a fairy garden for sure this year.  I can’t not make one.  Fairy gardens are everything I stand for.  Make believe, fairy tales, pretty flowers and greenery, cottages and garden archways and colored mushrooms amuck.  And bird baths.  Seriously.  I’m making one and then I’m going to pretend I’m the fairy that lives there.         
For the next decade, I’m drinking smoothies for breakfast and lunch.  All because I saw myself in pictures this weekend and had that “Aha!” moment that goes something like, “Holy shit on a stick!  Can I look any chubbier? “  Kill.  Me.  Now.

I spent some parts of the weekend uncovering plants from the winter and getting the dead crap out.  Under all the leaves and old stuff from last year – were buds.  Big green and white buds – all dying to grow.  Every single time it was like opening a Cmas present…like I was surprised that each time there was GREEN underneath.  It was like treasure hunting for idiots.  I did lose a few hostas but for the most part – under the crap – I found new buds.  It’s the little things people.  Just go with it.
All of a sudden I give a shit about my interior house decorations.  It’s weird.  For years, I decorated like once and then left it that way for 10 years.  I cared not if my Terry Redlin pictures were from the 80s or if my grapevine wreath above those pictures was just as outdated.  I cared if my house was clean but cared so much less about décor.  And suddenly – I give a shit.  Like a real shit. 

I have single-handedly taken down 3 sets of vertical blinds that have hung in my house since we moved in.  They still look nice but come on – can you say old?  I put up real curtains.  Like with real curtain rods and tie-backs.  I had to use a real screw gun to do it.  That's a big deal and you know it.
Honestly – it’s like a whole new house.  I made pennants and words that go on my mantel that change out every month.  Painted some walls  an actual color that isn’t white.  Bought new décor like vintage birds and rustic apothecaries.  I made wreaths out of anything I could find and actually hung them.

It’s weird as shit.  I don’t understand where the “caring” is coming from but it’s fun.
My next project is new front doors.  Mine are both bright blue right now and I’m thinking the new ones may be bright yellow.  Fun!

Also, let’s discuss trees.  Trees are great.  I love trees.  However, Rambo and I spent an entire Saturday raking and burning leaves.  I don’t mean a few hours – I mean a whole damn day.  Jesus Lord.  Now I hate trees.
We sat on the picnic table after we were done and put up the girl’s trampoline and got out all our deck furniture and we sat.  And looked around and said to each other, “God we love it here.”  Once it’s all done – it’s fabulous and I love every single part of where we live.  The only thing left to do this year is get the slug bug and fill that sucker with flowers….and watch them grow!

We’re still building a garage.  Still waiting for quotes.  We even asked the Amish for a quote.  We’re getting desperate since the first quote was nearly $60k.  Mama wants a new bathroom AND a garage so I’ll ask damn near anyone for a lower quote. 
Rambo has a whole week off from the prison so he can “shoot a turkey in the face.”  There’s nothing better than having him home every single day when it’s supposed to be a rainy week.  The turkey hunting might suck due to the weather but the cuddling goes into overdrive when all it does is rain.

That’s it.  Told you it was going to be random.  I wasn’t kidding.
The end.


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Weekend recap minus Monday's donkey balls.

I was going to write a whole post yesterday but it was Monday and when I sat down to write – literally the only thing my brain could think to say was, “Mondays suck donkey balls.  Giant, hairy, nasty donkey balls with sugar on top.”  I couldn’t move past that sentiment into anything that anyone would want to read so I moved on to Tuesday.

My weekend was busy.  And by busy I mean me and a bunch of my redneck friends helped another friend move.  I kid you not.  At one point – one guy was in a skidloader on the ground while one guy was standing on a pallet that was on the skidloader and a honkin huge couch was dangling precariously on top of said pallet.  We raised that couch on that tiny pallet two stories and hoisted it over a deck and into the apartment.  At one point – I looked over and 5 people stood at the neighbor’s house watching – and pointing – and most importantly – laughing at us. 
Seriously – so dangerous.  A massive couch on a tiny pallet two stories up and a guy standing on the edge of the pallet.  We broke about 80 safety violations in five minutes.  Oh and did I mention there was beer involved?  Cuz there was.

When I said redneck friends – I wasn’t kidding.
Naturally, because I’m so out of shape – I was sore as hell the rest of the weekend from moving on Friday.  Somehow I found the strength to go shopping on Saturday though.

On Sunday – Rambo and I never departed from our bed until 11:30am.  Oopsie.  At 3pm, I was back in that blissful bed taking a nap until 6pm.  I literally slept the day away.  I did do some cleaning because Monday was house appraisal day and I had to at least pretend that our house looks like a catalog every single day for Mrs. Appraisor woman you know?
And that – my friends – is my weekend recap.  Try not to be jealous of my exciting life.  Maybe some day if you keep working hard – you too – can grow up to sleep entire Sundays away…but you must keep working hard. 

Cuz that shit don’t come easy.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

A new weight loss option. Sort of. Ish.

Last night I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling cursing the mother-f*cker that invented Doritoes when I had this weird thought.
In regards to weight loss surgery, why hasn’t anyone had their taste buds removed?  Now – don’t start throwing insults at me and tell me that there are zillions of taste buds in one mouth – because there could be.  I have no "medical" idea.  Let’s just say there are zillions or just a few and we'd figure that out later.  Why hasn’t someone invented a surgery to remove them or render them useless….like they can’t taste anymore?
Aren't taste buds like gall bladders?  Are they even necessary to our health and well-being?
Can you imagine?  A piece of broccoli would taste the exact same as ice cream or cake.  Asparagus the same as a swiss cake roll.  An apple the same as a chip. 
Do you think this would fix anything?  I wonder if I eat for the texture and the chew and the feeling of certain foods – regardless of taste.  I mean eating a piece of broccoli certainly feels way different than crunching down on a chip or letting ice cream melt on your tongue – but would I care if none of it had taste?  I seriously don’t know.
If I had never tasted food (like born with no taste buds), then I wouldn’t know what I was missing but if you took away my taste buds now – I’d have to have an all-out grief-fest over the loss of tasting things like pizza.
Literally – food (one would hope) would become just about being body fuel. 
No joy in cake or cookies or candy because you can’t taste it. 
Then I thought for someone like me who is a really picky eater – it could be even simpler than disabling my taste buds through an invasive surgery.  I need to invent a way to make every food taste the same on its own – via the food itself.
Like there’s a little machine you put cake in with broccoli and voila! – once they come out – they taste the same.  For picky people like me - this would be great.  The ONLY veggie I eat is broccoli.  I can't handle the taste of any others.  This would be a solution for me.  I'd eat shitloads of veggies because I wouldn't be able to "hate" the taste.
I do the absolute best at losing weight when I have little to no variety.  Even when not dieting – I eat the very same things over and over and over.  I rarely try new things.  Do you?
I know many, many diet gurus out there that scream -  “Mix it up!  Try something new!  Experiment!  Use different flavors and seasonings!” 
For me?  That is a gateway to wanting more.  If I literally have eggs for bfast and chicken, broccoli and brown rice for lunch and a rotation of a couple different meals for supper – I kick ass.  I know what I’m going to get and so do my mind and taste buds.  If you throw a piece of high-flavored anything in my mix – my tongue wakes up and realizes what it has been missing –
Consistency for me works.  Some call it boring as hell but variety just makes my brain want to try more variety, I guess. 
Sooooo – if I had a tiny machine like a microwave that I could throw everything I eat into and it made it all taste exactly the same….I wouldn’t care if it was Doritoes or carrots.  All the same to my mouth and mind.  Just very different for my health and weight.
Wouldn’t cravings disappear?  What would you crave when your head and mouth know that even if you get it – it tastes like everything else?  Wouldn’t you stop eating before you’re stuffed because it doesn’t keep tasting better and better?  And it’s boring so why keep eating when it’s just fuel?
People would go to grocery stores for health foods because why not?  They taste the same as junk food but your blood pressure and cholesterol go down.  People would go out to eat at restaurants for the ambience, the romance, the people, laughter and conversation….because the food wouldn’t be the focus anymore. Would that be such a bad thing?
Can you imagine it?  It could never happen.  Some grocery stores and restaurants would cease to exist because every restaurant’s food would taste the same.  Only the location and price and service would differ.  Chefs wouldn’t have jobs.  There wouldn’t be a point.
If you literally had the chance to stop tasting your food – would you?  Would you remove your taste buds if it was possible?  How life-changing would that be?  You could still smell and see and feel the differences in foods – but no taste difference.
These are just the stupid things that go through my head when I’m cursing junk food Gods.
Have no worries.  My ass will still be on the treadmill tonight running. 
Cuz I still got taste buds.  And I freaking use the shit out of them.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Lose weight or wear hot shoes?

Technology is great, isn’t it?

We have phones that can serve as TV remotes.  We can turn our dishwasher on and our lights off from 3 bajillion miles away.  We can see each other’s faces and chat with each other even though we are a bajillion more miles away.
I ask you then - why on Earth has no one invented a self-cleaning toilet?  Just why. 

No – my whole post isn’t about toilets again.  Shocker.  I was just thinking that technology can be amazing but it can be a pain in the ass sometimes.  Why?  Oh well – because I switched our checking account to a different bank that we’re using for our new garage.
Back in the old days, (like 5 days ago), you just moved your money out of one bank to the new bank and got new checks.  And donezo.

Now?  You have to get new debit cards.  New PIN numbers.  Figure out new websites to balance your checking and make new passwords. 
And then the real fun begins.  I pay everything online….electricity, water, mortgage, cars, insurance and on and on.  I made a full page list of places that I need to change my payment methods on.  A freaking full page.  Never mind that it was super fun because making lists is my favorite hobby…it was also annoying.  Just wow. 

It is a helluva process I tell you.
And just because that whole story was boring as hell – I’m going to continue with that theme.  You're welcome.

I want to note that I just ate tilapia and brown rice for lunch.  Dry as shit but listen – every day summer gets closer and my ass just keeps getting bigger.  Es no beuno.  In fact, it’s scary-as-hell-o. 

I mean the truth is that I don’t even own a one-piece swimming suit.  I own 8,000 bikinis.  Some could barely pass as dental floss.  Rambo is a huge sucker for my bikinis and if I stopped wearing them, he might need therapy – so the only solution is to lose weight.  Or poke Rambo’s eyes out so he only remembers how I looked in them when I was skinny.  Or something like that.
So this week, I’ve pre-made my dry as shit clean lunches and breakfasts too.  I nearly died from starvation last night and decided to have ONE serving of Doritoes.  Have you ever done that?  It’s 11 f*cking chips. 

What is the point?  I mean in my world the ratio is that one chip actually EQUALS 11 chips.  Ugh.  I did it though.  11 damn chips and put the bag away.  Who the hell needs waterboarding when this kind of torture exists?
Anyway – tracking my food and weight.  Working out.  Not eating 18 Milky Ways per day.  Drinking a liter of water per day.  No more baths in Skittles and eating them as I soak.  Blah blah blah. 

I’ll never understand why I kick ass in most aspects of my life but I can’t eat like a healthy person consistently.
Speaking of kicking ass…I have on 6 inch mint green wedges today with a lace mint bell-sleeved tunic.  If I don’t lose weight – there’s always the “wear hot shoes” trick to distract everyone. 

Yes?  Yes.

I would know.  I’ve been doing it for years. 
What muffin top?  See these snake-skin stillettos? 

Works every time.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Ten Things Thursday!

1-Whenever a mother blogs about every single second of motherhood feeling like paradise – I barf.  And then I unfollow her.  Because I’m jealous.  Or mad that I, myself – do not love motherhood every single second of every day.  Sometimes it’s just f*cking hard. 

My kids do not poop rainbows or fart gumdrops every second and taking baths up to my neck in Skittles is seemingly becoming a rare occasion. 

I’ll admit – lately though – I’ve been quietly sitting and thinking that I have pretty damn good kids and I’m so grateful for that BUT there are nights like last night when I want to run screaming. 

It had been a long ass day and my body and mind were long ass tired…and I kid you not.  I stepped inside the door and out runs one of them and says, “What’s for supper?”
Can I get inside the house first?  Can I take off one shoe?  Can I set down my purse?  ….before you own me for the rest of the night?

OMG – run.  Screaming.  Far, far away.  It’s all I could think about.
2-This is my 1000th post.  I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to do some huge giveaway or something like that according to blog protocol but I haven’t written anything of substance in quite some time so I’m not sure anyone would sign up if I had anything to give away so there’s that.  Oopsie.

3-If you’re read my blog for any amount of time, you probably know my political affiliation.  Anyway – you know how on the news there are tons of stories about new insurance coverage horror stories?  Well – I’ve heard them just like everyone has but today? 
Today – out of the blue – a guy I know who is self-employed said to me, “Wanna know how much insurance would cost under the ACA for just me and my wife?”  He said, “$1800.00.”  He can’t afford it.  He won’t get it.  He’ll pay the penalty. 
After he left – I thought to myself – Wow – I just heard a real, personal story to my face that validates some of the other stories.  Harry Reid would probably tell me it’s a lie.  So there’s that.  It just made me sad for him.  Ugh.
4-Rambo emailed me the other night and simply said, “It’s bad here tonight.  A guard died in the prison this morning.”

Jesus Christ on speed – you CANNOT say something like that to the wife of a prison guard.  Of course – I immediately think a prisoner killed him BECAUSE I HAD NO CLARIFICATION or explanation otherwise.
The guard, indeed died of medical issues. 

I wanted to kill Rambo at that moment and say it was “because you’re a stupid human with a penis” issues.
5-I had an “aha” moment this weekend.  It was an “aha – my life is indeed over” moment when I realized that I was cleaning the cleaning supplies.  Who does that? 

No shit – I was cleaning the Swiffer in the sink with a toothbrush.  Like really?  I’m pretty sure there are other things that need to be cleaned more – like perhaps the toilet I avoid – than the Swiffer. 

Yah.  In my world, it matters if your f*cking Swiffer is spotless….but matters not if your toilet is a swamphole.

6-We’ve begun the exhausting process of getting bids for our new shed and bathroom and I just want to say, “Holy shit on a stick!”  I under-estimated costs substantially.  Which in turn means I under-estimated the amount of whining, tantrum throwing, feet stomping, and crying that I would do…substantially. 
I need to find a way to lower costs.  I may need to scale back my list of wants or show some boob to the contractor for a discount. 

7-I consigned a bunch of shit at a local store and I checked my account and it’s all sold!  BOOM!  Now to do the responsible thing and GO BUY MORE SHIT.
8-I’m making another coffee filter wreath and this time I am painting it bright sun yellow.  My front door is bright blue and I’m putting the yellow wreath on it.  Then I plan to take an old pair of Rambo’s tall black rainboots and spray paint them the same yellow and maybe draw a little something on them and then plant flowers in them.

They’ll go on the front porch by the door/wreath.  Then maybe a big straw hat on a bench….not sure.  I just know it’s Spring and the front porch needs a new look.  What’s on your front porch?

9-I’m DUH-EYE-ING to get out in the yard and get my hands dirty in my landscaping.  I have a big ‘ol list already going of what has to be done!  Have you guys seen fairy gardens?  I think I’m going to make one in my wheelbarrow this year.  That and the big slug bug project are the two main things I’m going to work on.  My slug bug is almost ready!
10-Have you guys seen that JELLY shoes are back???  Did you ever wear them when you were younger?  Oh my God – I have to get a pair.  Or 16.  Just because.    Are you going to get a pair?