Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Lose weight or wear hot shoes?

Technology is great, isn’t it?

We have phones that can serve as TV remotes.  We can turn our dishwasher on and our lights off from 3 bajillion miles away.  We can see each other’s faces and chat with each other even though we are a bajillion more miles away.
I ask you then - why on Earth has no one invented a self-cleaning toilet?  Just why. 

No – my whole post isn’t about toilets again.  Shocker.  I was just thinking that technology can be amazing but it can be a pain in the ass sometimes.  Why?  Oh well – because I switched our checking account to a different bank that we’re using for our new garage.
Back in the old days, (like 5 days ago), you just moved your money out of one bank to the new bank and got new checks.  And donezo.

Now?  You have to get new debit cards.  New PIN numbers.  Figure out new websites to balance your checking and make new passwords. 
And then the real fun begins.  I pay everything online….electricity, water, mortgage, cars, insurance and on and on.  I made a full page list of places that I need to change my payment methods on.  A freaking full page.  Never mind that it was super fun because making lists is my favorite hobby…it was also annoying.  Just wow. 

It is a helluva process I tell you.
And just because that whole story was boring as hell – I’m going to continue with that theme.  You're welcome.

I want to note that I just ate tilapia and brown rice for lunch.  Dry as shit but listen – every day summer gets closer and my ass just keeps getting bigger.  Es no beuno.  In fact, it’s scary-as-hell-o. 

I mean the truth is that I don’t even own a one-piece swimming suit.  I own 8,000 bikinis.  Some could barely pass as dental floss.  Rambo is a huge sucker for my bikinis and if I stopped wearing them, he might need therapy – so the only solution is to lose weight.  Or poke Rambo’s eyes out so he only remembers how I looked in them when I was skinny.  Or something like that.
So this week, I’ve pre-made my dry as shit clean lunches and breakfasts too.  I nearly died from starvation last night and decided to have ONE serving of Doritoes.  Have you ever done that?  It’s 11 f*cking chips. 

What is the point?  I mean in my world the ratio is that one chip actually EQUALS 11 chips.  Ugh.  I did it though.  11 damn chips and put the bag away.  Who the hell needs waterboarding when this kind of torture exists?
Anyway – tracking my food and weight.  Working out.  Not eating 18 Milky Ways per day.  Drinking a liter of water per day.  No more baths in Skittles and eating them as I soak.  Blah blah blah. 

I’ll never understand why I kick ass in most aspects of my life but I can’t eat like a healthy person consistently.
Speaking of kicking ass…I have on 6 inch mint green wedges today with a lace mint bell-sleeved tunic.  If I don’t lose weight – there’s always the “wear hot shoes” trick to distract everyone. 

Yes?  Yes.

I would know.  I’ve been doing it for years. 
What muffin top?  See these snake-skin stillettos? 

Works every time.

5 comments:

Beth Ann said...

"I’ll never understand why I kick ass in most aspects of my life but I can’t eat like a healthy person consistently." Amen.

~Miss Lorie~ said...

I'm totally fabulous, but stringing together more than 5 days of healthy eating almost constantly eludes me.

Pain in my eye.

angel shrout said...

Oh I hear ya hun. Coming from the South if it isn't deep fried it isn't fully cooked. Then add in picky kids and a husband who is finally realizing things he swore he would never touch are pretty tasty when made right. BUT then I want like ohh chocolate.. or a Blizzard and they are ON SALE for the love of PETE...

FitBy40 said...

I usually kick ass for 3 days of healty, clean eating, then blow it on day 4!
I have never in my life had a bikini body, not even at my lowest weight, so you're way ahead of the game!

Jewlz280 said...

My Fitness Pal is your friend. I've lost weight without it, but the tracking and the graphs and your weekly averages keep me coming back. You can do it on the pute or on your phone (I do both, the averages are on your phone). I'm on there if you want to look me up. But I eat junk sometimes... I curse... and I AIM to get above red (cause I put my minimum for that instead of my max). So... yeah. I'm happy to support ya if interested. I'm such a MFP whore...