Friday, May 2, 2014

I was a fugitive. In rain boots.

You guys – weird shit is happening up in heyah these days. 

Listen.  I’ll tell you all about it.

First of all – you all know that I’m addicted to Mountain Dew.  In the mornings if I don’t have it – I swear my hands start to twitch and my anxiety shoots through the roof and I want to strangle anything within 5 feet of me.  Wait.  Scratch those last two things…those are just how I feel every day.  But the twitching is for real.

Now after saying all that – you’d think I drank a 12 pack a day or something.  I don’t.  I drink 1 can – sometimes just ½ can.  However – the addiction to the morning habit and caffeine is still strong.   
And I hate that I need it.

I never attempted not drinking the sweet nectar of the Gods because of the caffeine withdrawal headache I would get because as a chronic migraine sufferer – every headache for me – no matter what the cause – turns into a full blown migraine. (holy run on sentence Batman!)

Now that I have Botox injections that are controlling my migraines – I thought I’d give giving up the Dew a shot.  And yesterday?

I didn’t have a single drop of soda!  Did I get a headache?  NOPE!!

Holy shit on a stick people!  Can you believe it?  I – for one – cannot.

So there’s that and then there’s the fact that I worked out last night on the treadmill.  Two things in one day that probably haven’t happened in the history of me since I was 10 or so.

I also was a known criminal for about 24 hours.  I was begging Rambo that if I went to prison – that he would please bail my ass out.  I felt like a hunted fugitive.

You see- someone asked me for my driver’s license info and expiration date and when I looked at my license – it had EXPIRED!  Six freaking months ago!

You better believe I spent the day googling “how to prevent a double chin in your DL picture” after that.  The picture on my expired license was me – literally 9.5 months pregnant.  I gave birth 3 days after the picture.  My cheeks could not have gotten any puffier.  When people see my license – they think it’s a fake.  I even have glasses on it in it though now I don’t need them due to lasik surgery.   It looks so not like me now.

One dude who saw it said, “Whoa – you’ve lost a lot of weight since this picture.”  No sir.  I lost a human being from my womb, thereby losing the bloated cheeks and immense look of pain on my face as well.  Thanks for noticing.

Anyway – I got my license renewed.  All the research was for naught because I have a large, very noticeable double chin in my picture.  F*cking  great.

Lastly…do you want to know what my new favorite thing to wear is lately?  You can’t say no.  That was rhetorical.

It’s rain boots with designs.  OMG!  Right now I have on Victoria Secret bright pink socks that say PINK on the top sticking out just a bit of my rainbow POLKA-DOT rain boots.  I probably look ridiculous but I care not.  They make me happy.  So happy that I just ordered a MINT GREEN pair with silver embellishments on them.   

They make rain boots with bunnies on them.  Cupcakes on them.  Dogs on them.  Flowers.  Stripes.  You name it.  If I didn’t think they’d melt (and they were a little more badass) – I’d wear them on our Harley ride tomorrow.

PS – we’re going to freeze our ever-loving asses off on said ride.  Sigh.  Bring out the assless chaps!!


complex14 said...

Pix of ur rain boots pretty please!!!!

Kelly said...

I have leopard print rain boots!

FitBy40 said...

I see people out riding in this weather and think of how they must be freezing! My kids are still wearing coats and gloves to teh bus stop in the morning!
Apparently tomorrow is supposed to be summer like though, thank God!
I have rain boots, and wear them to garden in. Never thought to wear them out in public, but now I might just have to!